Joan's letter
by thesquiglet
Summary: I got curious about what was written down on that note Joan left for her parents. Really curious. Please be aware of spoilers for the end of series 3!


**I've recently gotten into the Morse world. I hope you enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer** **: I don't own the beautiful world, Colin Dexter and ITV Studios do.**

* * *

Joan never could say what set her off on a certain Detective Constable Morse however she had known when; that night he'd walked her home. When he'd said little letting the scene play out despite what her dad had said about him speaking more and firmer when he was on cases.

It was when she'd asked what he meant by his line 'there are coppers and then are coppers', she'd expected something else to come next, expecting another quip or whatever. Joan guessed that's why she had said what she said afterwards. She hadn't expected his answer either way and said so seriously too. That boy needed some life in him.

It was after this she started to notice him more, like when he spoke he tended to make sure that if it was serious that he'd look them in the eye or the fact his figure really was quite spindly, Did he actually eat anything? Joan noticed his eyes light up at the weirdest things even if she had found it quite alright at the same time. Whenever someone mentioned a crossword or puzzle they couldn't finish or the thing that was opera (opera?) or how he was always wanting to seek justice.

The girl also noted the fact he always thought he was intruding whenever he entered into their home or conversations and then wondering why on earth they were always being so kind towards him. How his features seemed to soften when they spoke about something important and to towards people he genuinely liked and she hoped she was one of them. How he respected her dad, her mum, Sam. Herself.

She'd actually tried to broach the subject with her mum a few times - nothing like a bit of motherly advice even if she didn't take it on board - but the minute she agreed to, the young woman would bottle it all back up saying that it would keep. She just hoped she wouldn't explode and bring them all into her messes.

If she told her friends though...oh God what would happen. She'd tried with Jakes and that hadn't left her with much rope. Yeah he was a copper but he was also a _copper._

Would it be so bad though? He was nice. Really nice, that Morse. Perfect gentleman. A nice policeman with his head constantly up in the clouds, all that information whirling round.

Joan just wished she knew why she liked him so much. God how she wished she knew.

* * *

Maybe it was his shyness completing her brashness or how he he looked like he was a deer lost in the headlights almost all of the time. Maybe it was in the way he overthought a problem not just including the place and problems of Oxford.

Thinking back to the bank now as she lay in bed, she remembered the code being depicted by him and her words. He was a smart lad no doubt if a little on the waif side - God she sounded like her mum! - and he'd remained so alongside being calm in the terrifying ordeal.

She'd feared for him so badly. He kept her dad on his toes and her mum was always looking for someone to look after. And she...she really was falling.

Yet as her family had tried to waylay her fears, she still saw Ronnie's face. Felt his touch. Poor Ronnie. God poor Ronnie.

She'd done it this time, brought them all into the mess.

Joan had had loads of people comforting her afterwards but only two people so far felt right to do so. The one's who had been there, ready to jump into the fray regardless of what happened to them, just to get everyone else out safely.

DC Morse had done his duty as an officer of the law and his duty, leaving father and daughter together to soak it all in and calm down but Joan had seen his eyes.

Those eyes telling her she was safe now.

* * *

He'd come to the house shortly after to check on them however before she had went to bed and yet he hadn't gone straight towards her dad. Instead he sat down in the chair they'd allocated for him in the mornings and stared at her for a short while before asking if it had hit her yet. His eyes locked on hers reassuring her to which she had wanted to scream at him that of course she wasn't okay! She'd just had a gun on her! She almost saw her dad kill someone! Morse himself could have died and she wouldn't have forgiven herself...she'd gotten Ronnie the trouble instead.

That's when she broke for the first time and how silly was she being right now? She'd practically launched herself into Morse's chest which had made her feel safe and given her some new found strength to tell her parents.

He'd just held her saying nothing. He hadn't needed too.

If anything told her that she fancied this man then here it was. This...this was why she'd realised.

He was sweet, comforting and more than a little awkward in social situations and had more of a brain than anyone knew what to do with and here he was with her offering the warmth. He had been so kind and then told her that he'd see her soon.

She was in so deep.

* * *

Ronnie's face never left her alone that night and then when it did Morse's would come to life.

She had promised to never let something like this happen and it had. It had and she hadn't helped, couldn't keep a colleague alive.

That settled it, she needed out and now, it couldn't wait, besides the way Morse was, she didn't want to let herself believe it could be something. Something that would undoubtedly make her stay here in Oxford, Joan couldn't do that.

Joan didn't want to say goodbye to another, _cause_ another person to die at her feet, didn't want to live life worrying, living life on the edge never knowing what would happen the next day. She could have been so much better and he'd still have been here. She hadn't done enough. Not half. How would anyone look her now? So she had to move. Not anymore.

No.

She'd learnt first hand from her mum with the worry and fear. Joan wouldn't do that to herself.

No more being a copper's daughter.

No more being the girl who went out with coppers.

No more being a copper's anything. She needed to get out.

The woman knew that she'd possibly hurt him but she prayed to everything he'd understand, that he'd forgive her. If she omitted how much she cared then who would notice?

Some things were there, though she needed him to say so to her. Just one word. Just say something so that when she did ultimately leave, she hadn't been wrong about her coppers line. About liking him.

Off she'd go then. Gathering her things out the door, she remembered her final few paragraphs of the letter she had placed for her parents to read;

 _Please look after him like he does for you. I'm sorry dad, mum. It'll never be your fault. I let Ronnie die and everyone else down. I can't let another person suffer for my mistakes, get hurt. Tell Sam, you might need him. I'm not leaving contact details. I just need to be alone for a while. Not see his face or the guns._

 _It's not his fault either dad._

 _I just..don't want my heart to break._

 _Dad...I think I started to more than like him. I can't afford that, not now._

 _Dad.._

 _I think I love him._


End file.
